- He talks only about himself. It’s the end of the work day, he calls you and tells you everything about his day but he doesn’t ask you questions about yours. After about 30 minutes, he finally may ask how your day was but has no follow up questions – you may wonder if he was really interested in your response to begin with. After about 5 minutes, he tells you that he needs to go and you haven’t had a chance to share your day with him. If this becomes a pattern, it’s definitely a red flag.
The Excuse: “Well, he just had a lot to talk about and then we just ran out of time” or “I didn’t really have much to say.”
When a man asks questions, it shows that he’s interested in getting to know you and that’s how you build intimacy.
- He doesn’t schedule dates. You’ve been waiting for his call all week. Friday rolls around and his name pops up on your phone, “Hey beautiful, what are you doing tonight?” I seriously have zero tolerance for these types of messages. You want a man who can plan! He’s making time for you when it works for him. I’m sure if you ask him what his plans are that weekend, he’ll know exactly what he’s doing. Makes you wonder how many other women may have got that same message.
The Excuse: “Well, I’m not doing anything anyway” or “He’s just a really busy guy and he works a lot.”
Men that give you notice show that they are respectful of your time. PERIOD.
- He makes jokes about you. This is a tricky one. The question to ask yourself is, “Do I like it?” “Does it hurt my feelings?” If the answer is “Yes”, then ask him not to do it. He may think it’s funny to say things about your hair, your accent, or your big toe! The important thing is that he stops making those jokes once you’ve had a chance to talk to him about how you feel about these types of jokes.
The Excuse: “He’s just being funny.”
Maybe he thinks he is but if you don’t like it, a man should be considerate of what may or may not hurt your feelings and not make those jokes.
- He is dismissive or defensive. This is another tricky one. Using the example above, let’s say you don’t like something that he’s doing because it hurts your feelings or it makes you feel (sad, angry, unloved, etc.) If his response is, “What? That’s crazy!” and goes back to watching TV or if he just laughs it off – RED FLAG! If instead he says, “Oh, I didn’t know it was making you feel that way, I’m sorry. Help me understand why it makes you feel that way.” You’ve got yourself a keeper, ladies! Now, if his response is the first one, you can make an attempt to talk to him about how his response made you feel and tell him, “You know, I felt dismissed or like my feelings aren’t important to you. What I would have loved to hear you say instead is, “Oh, I didn’t know it was making you feel that way, I’m sorry. Help me understand why it makes you feel that way.”
The Excuse: “Maybe I’m over-exaggerating or being too sensitive.”
Ladies, TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. It took me a while to learn this one…but you have to trust yourself and acknowledge what your feelings are trying to tell you. Maybe you take a day to think about it or talk to a friend who can help you think it through for a sanity check, then decide if it’s something you want to bring up. Note: How you bring it to his attention makes a big difference. Make sure that you are not attacking him and instead focus on how you feel when he does or says certain things that bother you.
Now it’s your turn to comment, what other excuses have you heard from women? Can you think of additional red flags from your experience to share with all the women on this site?